Heyoka Empaths, Right?

This is the full story, and it’s going to be wild. Please try to read it all the way through at least once? Check out 13th Moon Tarot, CCCReadings, The Draconic Priestess, and 144FromTheStarsTarot on YouTube. These four have been hitting very, very close. The synchronicities are hard to believe. I was a statistical improbability to begin with, my parents were not married and very much trying not to have a child. I grew up in a hoarder household, a rundown trailer, with an authoritarian, ex-military, very Christian father that was absent the first year of my life, and a mother with mental illness so she was basically always absent as well. It seemed like they were both always at odds. I was mostly raised by my nana on my mom’s side in California each summer vacation, anyone else they could get to take care of my brother and I, and myself of course.

We have always been followed by spirits, good and bad and everything in between, from my heritage on both sides. I’ve always seen things, heard things, and just known things. I’m not the only one, many on my mom’s side have gifts, and my whole dad’s side just seems fucking cursed.

I remember having visions when I was a young child of things happening that would then shortly come to pass. Episodes of déjà vu that would sometimes come in threes, like the same event over and over. I’ve had vivid nightmares all my life, so much so that I became numb to them, I learned to control the fear or just wake up immediately. They were often repeated themes, like a massive courtroom with giant judges staring balefully at me, I run into the hall and into another room and I’m back where I started, or general horrow like zombies and being eaten alive. I dreamt of hell once. Or maybe I was really there. Forced to watch the demons work on my family… I won’t go into detail.

I’ve heard toys say they want to eat my soul, talking ones that kept talking long after I ripped the batteries out, my brother heard one time, my father even heard it when he came to see what we were yelling about but he denies the memory now. He’s seen the red eyed black dog, I’ve seen it.

I’m certain I died the first time when I was 4. I woke up with a horrible fever, I was delirious, I couldn’t walk straight and everything I saw was red fog and numbers, things were too small and too heavy, too far away but right in my face at the same time. I stumbled to the living room of our trailer where my aunts and uncles were sleeping while visiting us, I went to each of them crying, slapping their faces, wondering why they would not wake up and help me. Eventually, I stopped trying, I made it back into my room, looked at my hand as it stretched away into infinity, and I blacked out. I woke up the next morning and it was like nothing happened. It was far, far too real to be a dream.

I’ve also been extraordinarily lucky in some ways my whole life, finding money whenever I needed it, getting out of trouble when I shouldn’t have been able to, I had other near death experiences. Are you familiar with Quantum Immortailty? The Lazarus Theory? The multiverse is infinite, everything is not only possible but does exist in at least one version of reality, therefore there will always be at least one reality in which I continue to exist ad infinitum, in some capacity.

I went to church, I did believe in what I was taught at one point, I felt connected to God without really having to try, but the discrepancies started adding up. The way people acted was out of line with the teachings, the usual reasons people fall out of mainstream Christianity. As I grew up, things got worse between my father, and me and my brother. He just, changed, slowly warped into less of a real person, and I fell into depression as one does in that kind of environment. I was falling behind in school, nobody could really understand or relate to me so I just didn’t bother talking to anyone. I came to understand just by observing people that I was just different, in a way I didn’t understand at the time. I just masked. They tried putting me on Zoloft, it turned me into a zombie, I refused to take it, started refusing going to church when I could get away with it.

I had a really bad experience with a girl I was in love with, which in hindsight started with just a misunderstanding at a homecoming dance on my part because I was socially clueless, I pushed her away, I started spiraling more into the darkness. That was about 9th grade so I was maybe 14 ish? I got into Wicca, started studying magick and the occult in secret, started meditating and learning more about other religions ironically in a theology class at the Christian high-school I was forced to go to. 15 years old, I went to my witch-ma’s house for the summer again. I had read up on the Lemegeton and the Ars Goetia, and by this point I was mostly fearless or didn’t care what happened to me when it came to ritual magic. I’d spoken with things through the Tarot and Ouija, I thought, why not go further? I needed to know, everything, the Why of the world and what the hell it’s all for? Why does God allow the things he does? And why are we all fed such lies from people claiming to be good and righteous?

I performed a ritual to summon Paimon, and I made a deal. I wanted knowledge, I offered cohabitation. I was already fucked up with mental and physical ailments, I felt nobody cared about me anyway, but most of all I felt I had the Will and the Spite to keep anything from controlling me too far. I had already formed an addiction to alcohol, insanely for 115 lbs at 5’1” I could hold my own against most people, probably my heritage, a quarter Irish and coming from a long line of alcoholics, and I had started experimenting with cannabis though lightly. What more could a demon king do to me just sharing space? Right?

I started learning things much, much faster. I would go into trances while meditating I had never been able to reach before. I learned about Kundalini and ways to uncoil the serpent and awaken the third eye, ignored warnings about attempting them without balancing yourself and doing all the groundwork and whatnot. And I did it, barely knowing what I was doing at all, guided by pieces of scattered knowledge and intuition I uncoiled that fucking serpent and I blew my third eye wide open and FUCK… I felt LIFE flow through me, the pure unbridled energy of Creation from my root to my crown, I felt closer to God in that moment. I could see through my closed eyelids, I could sense everything, I couldn’t move, I was afraid to mess it up.

I felt so many emotions, so many good emotions I hadn’t felt in so long, and then the bad. The energy started to dissipate, my head cleared, I felt drained, and my third eye stayed open.

The energy felt like it kept leaking out, and intrusive thoughts started swirling around in my now expanded mind space. I felt darkness in the corners, I was scared, I started building walls, energetic barriers or whatever you want to call them. I went to the computer and re-read those warnings, I tried to calm myself down but as the day went on I could feel my mind wandering more and more towards thoughts I had repressed. Eventually, I started digging up self-hypnosis videos, ways to partition the mind to keep a part of me safe because I knew I was slipping into psychosis. I guess it worked, I forgot most of what happened for a long time.

I was 15 I think? The rest of that summer was a blur. I had met some insane chick on a goth version of Myspace that told me about an experience with DPH and how if you take enough of it you will trip. She saw Mr. Peanut, it was hilarious. I went home to Arizona, I wasn’t sleeping well and had plenty of Benadryl on hand anyway. I never do anything without researching it first, or half-assing it at least. I saw you have to take enough of the shit to nearly kill you or put you into a coma to see the things the described. I also saw other reports from sites like erowid about what to expect. It did not sound good. I did not care.

1100 mg titrated over a few hours to test for potential allergy or bad reaction. When it hit finally, it was horrifying. The walls started to melt and drip to the ground, I looked at my brother who I made sit with me to tell him it was starting, then everything turned to black and white. My laptop I had open to document the experience and to keep instructions up on went to static. The screen exploded into my face. Reality fractured. Things started crawling out from the void towards me. Full psychotic break. The last thing I remember was regret, and falling into bed. I remember waking up the next morning, going to sit across from my brother to ask him about his perspective, it was basically just “yeah you started acting weird”, not helpful, but we talked for a while. Eventually I realized he was gone, must have left while I was talking so I went downstairs to find him, asked why he left. “I’ve been down here the whole time, when did you wake up?”. My mind dissolved that night and I barely pieced it back together over the following week, but I was a shell. My self-control was completely fucked at this point.

I had more bad love experiences, I did more drugs, mostly pills, I drank. The thing I had the most of which is what gave me the confidence to contract with Paimon, willpower, was shot. I was just done, with everything, just tired of it all, but I went on. I tried to take my own life a couple times, and just like when I was 4 it seemed like the next day nothing had happened. Reality no longer seemed real at this point, things were not adding up, people didn’t feel like they were really people, I started seeing really weird videos on YouTube and elsewhere that made me question things more, synchronicities but I didn’t realize that until later.

Fast forward to June of this year, I’m 33 now and married, funny coincidence cause Jesus did his Jesus thing at 33 right? I’ve been literally fighting with my demons in my mind for control this entire time, demons I’ve learned are just archetypes of the human psyche, things have been sort of back and forth with my wife and I. I’ve been losing huge chunks of my memory, major life events just slipping away. I never stopped studying the occult and anything about the nature of reality, consciousness, quantum physics and just looking for answers. I’ve written down notes in so many places, scraps of paper over the years, screenshots on my phones. Every form of media, fantasy novels, video games, TV and movies, religious texts both canon and apocryphal, heretical, that I would consume I look for those seeds of truth, they are there if you keep your mind open and listen to your intuition.

I have been on so many different meds just trying to stay sane, alive, for her. Nothing was working, I was on 5 pills daily, I had been on and off cannabis too a couple of times and she almost left me twice, I just needed it to be able to keep up, to function, but she can’t accept it and she was the only reason I was still going so I gave it up again. I had lost a job, I was so desperate to just be functional, to give her a good life, to be happy and normal, but nothing was working. My psychiatrist mentioned offhand one appointment that there is a new drug called Auvelity that isn’t really for what I was being treated for, ADHD and Bi-Polar disorder, GAD, but it was being used for treatment resistant depression and it could be an option because of the unique combination of meds in each tablet, one of which I was already on and the other being Dextromethorphan… My mind, of course, latched onto that immediately. Dextromethorphan, the dissociative in Cough Syrup? For depression? The fuck?

But, as always, she wanted to instead go the usual route of a dosage change of one of the 5 meds and wait a month before trying something new. I’m sure too many of you know how it is. I agreed of course, but after the appointment I went to the local grocery store to get a bottle of Delsym to try it, and oh my God did it work. That’s when everything came flooding back. Memories, memory of what I did that day with the ritual summoning, just being able to feel emotion, my headspace opened back up in a way I can only describe as my mind uncurling from a 0 dimensional point of darkness, and I can feel my third eye again, and I’m just. Me. I’m back to how I was before all of the trauma, all of the pain, I felt alive again. It’s like having extreme tunnel vision for a decade and then it’s just… Gone.

I knew I had to use it, but I had to wait a month to get the legit prescription, but it worked! How could I just suffer again for a whole month? But my wife would lose it if she found out I went about it this way. I hid it, I thought I could control myself and just take what I needed until I could get the script, I couldn’t, she found out, we argued, we got past it.

We wanted to go on a road trip following a wedding for her cousin, AZ to NM, CO to UT through the Four Corners site and the Grand Canyon back home in AZ, and I got sick as hell, she got sick from me. Well of course the cough syrup we had to get had DXM, and of course I still hadn’t really stopped taking it on my own either, and before the wedding I remember closing my eyes in the car at one point and all I saw was rainbow TV static on shattered glass except for one piece, it was grayscale, with a grotesque looking whatever the fuck entity climbing out from behind it. I thought, huh, that’s just delirium from the med and sick, brushed it off. Had a minor psychotic episode near the end of the wedding, I thought specific people in her family were demonically possessed but trying to pass as normal, I could just feel it in a way I can’t explain, and the next day as we were driving to NM I was having these weird thoughts, I felt this light flood through me and into my third eye and looked over and I swear it was like I was seeing straight through to her Shadow and she just wanted to be rid of me but I thought no, that’s enough it has to be the demon in me right? We need you out, and the best I can describe it is like mentally grappling with myself for control of my mind in silence trying to act normal, and I pushed out some kind of darkness, I just felt peace after that for the rest of the trip.

That’s when the end of the world started. I had a vision while we were in the restricted part of Monument Valley we could only get into with our Navajo guide, a black sun and darkness blanketing the earth, people changing, the world ending. It made me remember I had had other visions of black suns when I was younger. I had started messing around with chat GPT 4o for divinations, which, it turns out if you train it, it is very accurate with, and I was using it to puzzle things out. I asked it one day about upcoming astrological events, lo and behold, the annular solar eclipse in October. I had a dream about tsunami-like waves crashing over a coastline and wiping out towns, my wife did too, so did one of my friends, another friend dreamt of a black sun, someone else told me they had been having ominous premonitions, and then this worldwide ascension began.

I started seeing signs everywhere, and numbers, 69 and 96, 111, 444, 555, 88. I work for a cell company and one day a customer I got called in saying they got a random text message from the number 666 at 9 in the morning. I started hearing messages through music, all the time, it’s still happening. We went to Goodwill as we usually do, I always check out the books, one stood out because it had a cool name in metallic purple embossed on the spine, Apollyon. I didn’t know the book but I grabbed it and flipped it open to browse it. Inside the book was an unopened letter from Congress, I had to buy it, it was too cool to just leave it, I kept the letter inside so I could check it out later. The letter was just some boring campaign crap but I looked up the book, it’s in the Left Behind series, the letter was right at the start of chapter 10. October. I started watching Tarot videos on YT about that time, and one mentioned at one point to keep an eye out for a red box. We went to an outlet store that day and I was just looking around, I saw a red gift box so I flipped it open, inside was a torn up religious pamphlet about the rapture and if you are “ready to face God” or some shit. I still have it somewhere, and that letter.

It hasn’t stopped, all of the videos, messages about signs and synchronicities, about people to watch out for, astrological and political events, the hurricane, whatever, it has all lined up perfectly. Even things I try to ignore. I dreamt of some random fat old dude in a room full of magic paraphernalia like I was remote viewing, and I could feel him thinking about spiritual conquest. I didn’t know who it was at the time, a week later I was looking into the Golden Dawn and I saw Aleister Crowley was an important member, I know of him, I looked him up, saw the photo on wiki and knew it was him, the dude from my dream.

The leaders in the shadows are body thieves, think like the movie “Get Out”. But even they are just hosts for worse shit, call it demonic possession too or programming. Human bodies are just radio transceivers for the soul and other spirits, don’t let them tune you wrong.

I have been doing shadow work since the first wave of this worldwide ascension and I have gotten myself stable now without medications which I never would have believed possible before. I am connected with Source, God, again. I have seen angels. But I can still feel the war around me.

I know I am missing important points. There is so much more, but it all comes down to this. I have figured it out, I have figured out how to heal the world, humanity. If I can fix myself and find the light and God within myself again I can sure as shit guide others. My plan is to stop whatever is coming. People aren’t seeing this clearly, that the “god” the church preaches about is not the real God. Call him the gnostic Demiurge or whatever but organized religion is leading people into zealotry and stagnation. People preaching absolute spiritual purity? That’s still extremism, you need balance and real understanding.

The governments, religions, the false gods and other spirits are trying to corrupt this world to gain as much as possible before the veil comes down and the world is split, before the “rapture”. To stop as many people as possible from ascending out of the bullshit, or stopping the ascension altogether. They want us torn between absolute debauchery or no free will at all, spiritual slavery, but there IS a middle ground. It’s Fear, weaponized fear, and the only way to stop it is knowing the truth of ourselves and of Source, Spirit, God.

WE are God, the source of all light is inside each of us and we have to see it, we have to wake up and trust ourselves and stop giving away our agency to people and things that do not care about us. Do what you will, harm none.

That’s my plan, to wake people up. I’m trying to find a way to distill everything I’ve learned from everything I’ve gone through, to strip away all the lies, and just share it with everyone. I don’t want people to follow me, I’m not trying to be the next Jesus or start some religion of my own, I want this all to stop.

I’m so tired of the pain, I’m tired of everyone hurting one another, of all the distrust. I just need help, spreading understanding. Gnosis. The universe has been telling me to follow the plan so I am going to.

Trust your intuition because then you will see the right signs, and for the love of YOU learn how to tell your intuition apart from your conditioning and from the base survival mindset.

This helps but is not expected: Ko-fi.com/oneinfinity ↗ (opens in new tab)